Ways To Annoy Ratchet
by WhiteCougarMatrix117
Summary: It's what the title says R&R: CHANGED USERNAME! From SlythendorGirl556
1. Ratchet

Ways to Annoy Ratchet

**Lol! Jazz made me post this. Ratchet's gonna kill me...  
**

1: Call him Dr. Hatchet or

Dr. Peppermint Stick

_(He had this look on his face.)_

_(The I-Have-Something-Up-_

_My-Ass look)_

_(It was priceless!)_

2: When your in the Med Bay (preferably for a physical) and you and him are alone while he's doing work that needs complete silence, start screaming RAPE! _RAPE!_

_(He just happened to be digging in a cabinet)_

_(They all came running in with their guns out and Ratchet got his head stuck)_

3: Put Galloway on his list of body physicals

_(He glitched and ran into the Rec Room with a pink tutu on and Annabelle's princess wand)_

_(Blackmail!)_

4: Throw wrenches at him

5: Tell Ironhide he likes staring at his aft ALL DAY LONG

_(He wouldn't go to the Med Bay for a week)_

_(Even when his arm fell of during training)_

6: Make him watch the tape from the ring. Then call him and say in a creepy voice "Seven days"

_(I didn't know mechs could scream that loud)_

_(or that high)_

7: Make Cybertronian coffee or weed

_(Need I say more?)_

_(The weed was funnier...)_

8: Stare at him for a long time and when he asks what you're looking at start cracking up. Repeat multiple times.

_(He glitched again)_

9: Go to another doctor

_(He will pout ALL day)_

10: Ask him where babies come from. Then start telling everyone about the "awesome facts" he gave you.

_(He was so mad)_

_(Everyone started asking him that)_

_(Tell me, when he glitches who fixes him?)_

_11: Poke him in the eye_

_(He hates that for some reason!)_

12: Tell him about Santa

_(He was up all night with his gun pointed at the fireplace)_

13: Program him to act like Gir for a day.

(If you value your life, stop at fifteen minutes)

_(He almost squashed me at thirty)_

_(Ahh! Ltaotsgokglgdhp)_

14: If your on a berth in the Med Bay and he walks by, slap his aft.

_(The berths are tall)_

15: When he asks why you did that say "If you don't want it slapped don't shake it." Wink and then run!

16: If he catches you, pretend he's choking you...and yell RAPE! again.

17: Tell Optimus that he has pictures of him all over his room, that he kisses passionately.

18: Stun gun him and ask him if it was tingly.

19: Cry if he yells at you.

20: Climb up on him and yell BOO!

21: If after #16 He tells Optimus that you smacked his aft. Cry and say that you didn't and that he's a perv.

Optional: Don't die.

**Ha! Oh... Hey, uh, Ratchet. Um, HEY PUT THAT WRENCH DOWN! AHH! RAPE! RAPE! JAZZ! DON'T YOU DARE TAKE A PICTURE! **

**_Jazz: Hehehehe... R&R BEYOCH!_****  
**


	2. Ironhide

Ways to Annoy Ironhide

I should write my will with this... Stupid Ratchet made me write this for revenge... on me...

1: Screw up his cannons

_(He broke my arms...)_

_(and legs...)_

_(and body)_

_(Yeah, he stepped on me...)_

...)2: Call him the tooth fairy.

_(He chased me for an hour.)_

_(I think I lost him.)_

_(Ahhhh! Help!)_

3: Get bigger cannons than him and say "Feeling lucky, Punk?"

4: Lie to him.

_(He will hunt you down)_

5: Stuff his cannons with confetti and glue, then RUN.

(_He was so mad!)_

_(Though being covered in confetti and glue degraded that.)_

6: Make funny faces behind him and when he turns around stop.

7: Get him and Optimus under the mistletoe.

_(Yeah, he hates me.)_

8: Catch him under the mistletoe

_(Embarrassing, but worth it.)_

9: When you're driving him, hit someone's cat and/or dog.

10: Tell him that Mojo's lubricants don't ever come off.

_(He will SCREAM)_

11: Get Mojo to hump his leg

_(Do I even need to comment?)_

WARNING: THE MOST COMMON SIDE EFFECTS ARE: DEATH AND BROKEN BONES. TRY AT YOUR OWN RISK.


	3. Mini Chapters

#5

"HEY IRONHIDE!" I yelled.

He turned to look at me.

"What? What could you possibly want now?"

I made a pouty face. "Come on Hidey Widey... Don't be like that!"

He pointed his cannon at me.

"OK OK! I have some info on Ratchet you might want to hear."

He glared at me "What info?"

I motioned for him to squat down.

I whispered into his audio recepter

"He told me he loves staring at your cute aft ALL DAY LONG." His optics went small and Rachet just happened to walk by.

"Hey 'Hide." He waved at him.

"GO AWAY PERVY FREAK!"Ironhide ran out of the training hall leaving nothing but dust.

I tiptoed behind a box at the back of the room. "WHITE COUGAR!"

#2

"Before we start I have to to finish something. DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING AND BE QUIET!" He ordered.

I winked and gave him a thumbs up.

He just started grumbling about kids being immature little brats blah blah blah, and started digging through a cabinet on the floor.

A sinister plan worked it's way to my messed up little brain as I smirked evily, took a deep breath and-!

"Rape! Rape! RAPE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

He hit his head on the top of the cabinet, getting suck in he drawer, and Major Lennox and Bumblebee ran in, guns, and, uh, cannons, pointed at Ratchet.

"GET ME OUT!" He yelled.

"Uh, Gotta jam! Bye!" I ran out of the room.


	4. Side StoryChapter

#7

I hid in the air vent in the main hanger of the base, where our Chistmas party was located equipt with a fishing pole, an empty super glue bottle, a walkie talkie, and mistletoe.

I had a devious plan which Sideswipe, Mudflap, Sunstreaker, and Skids, would aid me to get two mechs under the mistletoe.

Yes, two _mechs_.

I pressed the talk button on the walkie talkie.

"Operation Christmas Kiss Prank is ago. Whitecougar to Skids. Do you read me?"

*Btzz*

"Loud and clear, Boss."

"Is stage Sticky underway?"

*Btzz*

"Affirmitive."

I could see from the vent that Ironhide was currently chasing Mudflap around the base, covered in fake snow and ribbon.  
He was saying a string of Cybertronian curses with some human curses mixed in as well.

"Target is aproaching destination."

*Btzz*

"Whitecougar, the trap has sprung! The trap has sprung!"

I could see from here that Ironhide had stepped in our superglue. His face was filled with rage as he tried to get his feet unstuck.

*Btzz*

"Sides, Begin stage Blue Flames!"

Sides ran to Optimus, bringing him to go see Ironhide. "SIR! YOU NEED TO SEE THIS! It's so FUNNY" he yelled.  
"There's my cue." I whispered as I started stringing the mistletoe on the hook.

"What did you do this time Ironhide." I heard Opimus say, clearly annoyed.

I pressed he talk button

"Sides! I am starting stage Red Lips! Fall back!"

I lowered the mistletoe between the two. It all went quiet, then...

"OOHHHHH!" Ironhide was sputtering looking at his leader, embarressed. Optimus looked unfazed, besides the fact his eye's were anywhere but Ironhides face.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"

Sam started cat calling

"Sunny-!"

*Btzz*

"Don't call me-!"

*Btzz*

"No time for this! Start Stage Photoshoot! Now!"

They hesitently started inching forward, looking clearly disgusted with the idea of kissing each other.

I heard something rolling down the air vent. Wheelie, who was on air vent patrol (don't ask), rolled up next to me.

"What's goin' on girly?"

I looked at him. "Dude, check this out."

He looked through the opening and cracked up laughing. I put a hand over his face.

"Shut up!" I whispered through gritted teeth.

I looked and saw they were just centimeters apart.

Their lips connected. Their faces were as scrunched up as an Autobot's face could be.

A flash of light appeared.

*Btzz*

"Stage Photoshoot complete."

"Ok, go make copys and put them in the present boxes for Christmas cards. Two in the victim's."

*Btzz*

"Kay, Boss"

After about three seconds they seperated Ironhide looked like he was trying to rub all of the skin, um, I mean, metal off of his face and Optimus was slamming his head against a wall.

*Btzz*

"Mission complete! Nice job men!"

*Btzz*

"Hello Whitecougar. This is Major Lennox, I hope you were planning on giving these back."

I paled "Um, Of course!"

*Btzz*

"I want a copy of that picture."


	5. Starscream

Ways to Annoy Starscream

1. Ask him where he got his glorious heels.

(That's his number one pet peeve)  
(I remember the last person who asked him that)  
(Man, I miss Aunt Rose)

2. Beat up one of his clones.

(It's funny because everyone thinks he's crazy)

3. Get Knockout to give him a makeover.

(Oh my Primus)  
(I love making him look gay)  
(Lipstick!)

4. Get him on a blind date... with Megatron. Film the catfight.

(Muwhahahaha!)

5. Kill him multiple times.

(Sucks that the bastard can't die)

6. If he walks in the room, play the song, I Believe I Can Fly.

7. Mimic him.

8. Write, property of Megatron, in lipstick on his aft.

(Megatron had a few choice words about that)

9. Lick him.

(You should have heard him scream)  
("EW! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!)  
(Ha!)

10. Show him this list.


End file.
